Dear Anxiety. . .

Dear Anxiety,

I’ve been back home the past few weeks and in my free time, I’ve been reminiscing on my childhood. I’ve spent hours enjoying looking at old pics, reading notes from friends and going through old yearbooks. I came across one note from a high school friend that read, “Even though I sometimes joke about you worrying a lot, I actually love it cause it make you YOU”. In another note a friend wrote, “I’m not worried in the slightest that everyone’s favorite soccer co-captain, aspiring journalist (yes, I wanted to be a magazine journalist – think Kate Hudson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) will be unsuccessful or worry-ridden.”

Anxiety, you’ve always been a part of me.

My parents think you just sprung up on me one day out of the blue. They’ll say things to me like “you were never like this” because I’m quiet at times or when I say I’m feeling anxious they respond, “it’s nothing, you’re fine”.  That hurts. I know they have the best intentions, but I don’t think they realize that I have grown up. Sometimes, it’s best for me to keep quiet because it’s how I stay calm in certain situations. When I was a kid, yes, I was quite the chatterbox and I still am, but there are certain moments when I just want to be quiet. The way I cope with you isn’t something that happened overnight.

Being home has reminded me of all the times you’ve been around. Growing up, I channeled you into positive energy without even knowing I was doing it. I would be anxious about memorizing lines for a play or musical, but I knew the end goal was oh so good. I loved the pit in my stomach right before I walked onto the stage. Once I stepped foot in the light, everything felt right. I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be and all my worries went away. I used to get those exact feelings before a soccer game. I played soccer for over ten years and without fail, I felt like I wanted to throw up stepping foot on the field into position, but once the whistle blew, I channeled that energy on the field and forgot I was even wrorried in the first place.

When I look you up in the dictionary, it says you are “the body’s natural response to stress. It’s a feeling of fear or apprehension about what’s to come.” Once I had my first panic attack, I spent months afraid of you. I’ve wasted valuable moments and good days focusing on how to avoid you. How to not feel you. Even the past few weeks here at home, I’ve let you get in the way of enjoying my time with friends and family. I’ve made excuses to not go out or engage in conversations.

I’ve spent countless hours in therapy talking about you. I cry and ask why is this happening to me. I feel relieved that you’re not a constant in my life, but when I do feel you, it feels like you’re never going to leave me alone. My therapist says that feelings are temporary. That’s something I always remind myself and it makes me feel better – “You don’t last forever. You will go away and what I am feeling is okay.”

I think there’s a few factors that impact the way you manifest now versus when I was a kid. Now, I know the realities of being an adult. My stresses are much more than just winning a soccer game or not forgetting my lines. It’s totally fine that I have big stresses because lots of people do, but I’ve learned the way I manage and channel my feelings and you can positively impact my life.

Since you have seemed to really take a liking to me and instead of fighting you off, I’m going to accept you. I’m going to listen to you because if it’s one thing I learned, fighting you or ignoring you only makes things worst. So, anxiety, this is me officially welcoming you into my life, on my terms. Welcome friend.

Love,

Abigail