Feeling Blessed

I took this past week off of work. In my 4.5 years of employment post college, I’ve never taken a vacation. My anxiety has always gotten in the way of me taking more than 1-2 days off of work. I’ve always thought taking vacation was too big of a risk, they’ll think I’m not committed to my job. What if someone replaces me? What if someone does my job better than me? Will someone truly be able to handle covering off for me and leading my projects while I’m away? In typical fashion, my anxiety always scared me off from using the time we are given to take a break. But not this time. I confidently requested my time off and surprisingly have been able to enjoy my vacation with little to no worrying about work. Let me tell you, it feels good.

The best way to describe my feelings this week in one word would be: blessed. I feel so blessed to be able to take time off from work. I feel blessed to have my boyfriend, Nate and his supportive family. I feel blessed that they’ve invited me to their home and have been so generous. I feel blessed to be healthy and able to hike, bike and run miles (despite the many complaints in the moment). I feel blessed to get the opportunity to be engulfed in the beautiful land all around me.

I can’t help but always look back at my darkest moments during these times. I’m blessed to have the support of family and friends, therapy and the courage to move forward and choose to overcome my anxieties no matter how scary they may seem. I’ve actually had a couple moments during my vacation where I almost freaked out, but as crazy as it sounds, and I know I’ve mentioned it before talking to myself truly did the trick this time around. I spent the first portion of this blog talking about how amazing my time was and how blessed I feel, but at the same time I want to always keep it real, 100% and transparent with you all.  I do struggle and it’s a process, but I’ve gotten to a point where I now feel in control. I decided to call my moments that could have spiraled into hurdles because they’re not big debilitating moments anymore but they do take some internal work to jump over.

Hurdle #1 – One day we went and hiked The Gorge. It was absolutely stunning (see pics below). This was probably my 3^rd hike ever. It wasn’t very challenging but heading down, there were some pretty steep stairs and it had rained all morning, so all I could focus on heading down were the slippery wet leaves. I was trailing behind a tiny bit, maybe by 3 stairs max, but I felt like it was way more in the moment. I felt the pressure to speed up, but all I could think about was what if I fall? It was an unfamiliar path and something new, I felt extremely nervous and oddly wanted to cry, but I knew this was just my nerves and anxiety getting the best of me. Internally, I was telling myself, “Go your own pace. You got this. And most importantly, you’re not going to fall.“ I continued my steady breathing, captured the beautiful photos below and survived. Keeping positive thoughts is so key when I feel like I’m going to have any sort of anxiety or panic attack.

Hurdle #2 – Talking to Nate’s grandma alone. You would think I’d be fine with this. I deal with people all the time at work, but I’ve always had social anxiety and get super nervous to be alone around people I’m just meeting or don’t know super well. We were all standing in her beautiful yard, and then he said he needed to use the restroom before we head out. In the moment, I was like hmm, should I say I need to go to avoid being here alone? It seemed like a good idea, but I didn’t. I just told myself I’d be okay. I recently had a therapy session where I didn’t know what to talk about and we were just blankly staring at each and I was so awkward and uncomfortable that I just broke out in tears. We actually decided to tackle why silence makes me super uncomfortable in that session. I feel intense pressure to fill the silence with conversation. I learned to embrace the moments of silence and not put pressure on myself to fill it. Thinking about that conversation helped me in this moment. I felt comfortable not saying anything which felt like a lifetime but was probably less than 30 seconds before she sparked a conversation which naturally flowed until Nate came back. I felt super proud to carry on my own in that moment.

Hurdle #3 – We went a gorgeous bike ride on the Erie Canal. The way back was BRUTAL for me. The wind was going against us and after running and hiking the days before, I felt like the little engine that could NOT. My legs were struggling to go fast plus the resistance from the wind I was growing frustrated by the minute. Nate didn’t seem to have any issues, which I translated into pressure for myself to do better. I wanted to GIVE UP. I was ready to call it quits numerous times but knew I would regret it. His lack of struggle also made me a bit mad. I wanted so badly to just yell at him for making me do this bike ride, but uhm… news flash: he wasn’t controlling the wind. After a few minutes, I shifted my frustrations to focus on my breathing and internal positive affirmations. I took deep breaths and embraced the scenery around me to ultimately push through. I’m so happy I was able to shift my feelings and thoughts and glad I didn’t project them on Nate.

All in all, it was an absolutely fantastic week. I’m feeling very blessed. I’m so proud of how I have managed to utilize my tools to help me with my anxieties in my everyday life. Big thanks to Nate and his family for everything this week and the early birthday celebration (I love a good ice cream cake ☺️). And thank you, if you‘ve managed to make it to the end of this post. I’ll work a little harder to not go MIA for so long.

xo