I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had many accomplishments thus far, but to be completely honest, I don’t think I have truly felt pride in those moments. I was happy to make my family happy when I graduated high school and college. Moving to NYC was a huge step for me, but I didn’t really feel pride. It felt more like checking something off a list and immediately looking at what needed to be accomplished next rather than embracing all the individual moments.
I feel so proud of my progress with anxiety.
The first few months of my journey were tough. I was spiraling about having panic attacks. My irrational fears were impacting my daily routines. If you know me, one thing I always talked about was looking forward to one day living alone and having my own place in the city. So, for me, it was extremely tough and hard to understand why I felt scared to be alone in my apartment. After work, I would text my roommate to see her whereabouts and make sure she’d be home. If she was travelling or going out on the weekends, I needed to secure a friend to come over and hang with me, even though I wasn’t in the mood to hang, I just didn’t want to be alone. I was terrified of having another panic attack alone.
I vividly remember a few months ago bursting into tears in therapy trying to decipher what I was feeling. They were happy tears for once. I was so proud of how much I’ve been able to overcome. For the first time, this was something that I was doing FOR ME. I was working so hard to understand my body and my feelings. I wasn’t doing this because my parents told me to. I wasn’t doing this to make my family proud or happy. I was going to therapy and living and learning my anxieties for me. And damn, does that feel good.
If you have anxiety, you know that in those tough anxious moments or during a panic attack, you feel like you’re dying. It feels hopeless and like those moments will last forever. I now know those moments of panic are only temporary. I’ve spent the past nine months seeing a therapist weekly. I’m proud to say I go to therapy and I hope that me being able to openly share this with you all can help break the stigma. I’ve learned feelings are uncomfortable to feel. They can be overbearing and painful, but I’m learning to honor and embrace my feelings day by day.
I still have setbacks every now and then, but I feel more confident knowing that I’ve survived some of my worst days. I’m so happy to be able to feel comfortable being alone again and feel so proud of my progress and what’s to come.
What are you most proud of?
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