Feeling Scared

One of my favorite things about New York City is the hustle and bustle. I absolutely love the sound of everyone’s shoes climbing the stairs from the subway to the sidewalk. I love the dirty hot breeze that whips across my face when the train arrives. I love walking through Times Square on my way to work. I love speed walking past crowds on a busy street. I oddly miss being annoyed waiting for a spot to drink at the bar and for a table at a busy restaurant. I miss standing on a crowded subway cart. I miss feeling invincible on the streets of NYC.

It’s been 65 days since I’ve been able to experience any of that. It’s been incredibly tough.

The beginning leading up to the shutdown was scary. It seemed like an apocalyptic movie. Grocery store shelves were empty. I had to walk 2-3 extra miles from my home to find toilet paper. The line for Trader Joe’s was 3 blocks and an avenue long hours before it even opened. The panic was very apparent in the city. As I was writing this post about my feelings during this quarantine, I realized there were different stages. When I did a little research, I realized the 5 stages of grief really accurately represent my experiences thus far.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

When work from home was announced I was determined to not let that affect my daily routine. For the first two weeks I was popping out of bed early in the AM, making my bed, sitting at my kitchen table for the full day. I was cooking lunch and dinner and doing online workout classes after work. I thought that if I could keep a routine, I wouldn’t allow myself to think about everything happening. Sadly, after two weeks I was beyond over it. I was trying everything I could to distract myself from reality and it wasn’t working.

STAGE 2: ANGER/ IRRITATION/ ANXIETY

Checking the news every half hour was beginning to eat away at me. I was anxious nonstop around the clock, 24/7, but I was doing everything I could to hide those feelings from my family. When my parents and grandparents would call worried about NYC being the epicenter, I was telling them everything was going to be okay. I said I wasn’t scared and that I was fine. I knew if I told my family I was scared they would worry. My parents stressed about me makes me stressed. As confusing as this sounds as I write it out, I need to tell them I’m okay so that I can keep one less stress off my plate. Little did they know every other day I was managing to convince myself I had coronavirus. Anxiety and corona share the same symptom of shortness of breath. I was beginning to spiral. Any cough, sneeze, lack of appetite or tickle in my throat had me convinced I was sick.

My therapy sessions for the next few weeks would consist of me sobbing uncontrollably the majority of the time because I kept suppressing those feelings from my family and friends. I was absolutely terrified. I mean I worry about a lot of stuff and this is like my worst nightmare coming true.  A pandemic and I am living in the epicenter hundreds of miles away from my family. I was beginning to feel jealous and irritated of friends that were quarantined with their families.  

My dad facetimed me one day and he happened to be with my mom and brother. In that very moment when I saw them all together, I had a pit in my stomach. Since my parent’s split, my dad has moved out. I’m very blessed that my parents are civil and remain friendly with each other but in that moment, I was so upset he called me. I didn’t want to see them all together while I was alone in my apartment. It presented a false reality. It seemed so picture perfect and for my dad to offer to come and pick me up from NYC felt like an unfair proposition.  

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

When my dad offered to pick me up from NYC, I wanted to say yes, but at the same time didn’t want to make a rash decision. This was definitely my “what if…” stage. I was so torn for a full week and a half. I kept going back and forth in my head. What if I have my dad come and pick me up and he gets sick? I mean this is the epicenter of the virus, my dad is part of the vulnerable group. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he got sick coming to get me. Not only that, but if he came and picked me up and I got my brother, mom or anyone else in my family sick I also wouldn’t be able to handle that. I knew the smart and safe choice was to stay, but a part of me wondered if being home would lessen my feelings. I would be able to get fresh air without feeling anxious. I would be with my family. The other part of me struggled with leaving the city and everything I have here. After a week and half of going back and forth and a few sleepless nights I knew the option of leaving NYC would only provide a temporary escape from my pain. It’s far more than just being away from my family that is making me anxious.

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION

I was eating junk food, specifically potato chips for every meal. Why? No clue. I was just over it and out of it.  I was drinking way too much alcohol and sleeping the days away on the weekends. I wasn’t making my bed. Sometimes I wasn’t even getting out of bed and working from there. I just felt lost. I felt so lonely. I had no motivation to workout or do anything. It seemed like this quarantine was going to last forever and I was never going to get out of this slump.

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE

Finally, I’ve always been told growing up that everything happens for a reason, but it isn’t until being an adult that I’m starting to believe that. Especially now. I am so grateful I had my first panic attack back in August. I am so happy I went off the edge and found a therapist I meet with weekly. In those months leading up to now, I had been working so hard to get stronger mentally and emotionally. If that panic attack didn’t happen when it did, I would have 10000% broken down at the start of this pandemic. I feel so fortunate to have the tools and resources to help guide me through these difficult times.

I also want to say that I am very thankful to have my quarantine buddy [aka my bf] here in the city as well. It’s helped me immensely to look forward to the weekends of learning to cook new meals, binge watching shows together and beating him in Trivial Pursuit.

There really isn’t an end in sight right now, but If I can get through these hard, scary times, I feel that I can truly come out of this stronger. I want to get through this in NYC for me. To prove to myself that I can overcome one of my biggest fears.

I just shared all my struggles and feelings through this pandemic, and I can’t even begin to imagine how tough these times have been for all the essential workers and those on the frontlines. I am so grateful and appreciative for you all. Thank you.