It officially marks one year since my first panic attack that led me a visit to the ER. The next few months that followed were the hardest I ever had to deal with. I couldn’t bear to be alone. I didn’t feel like myself but went to work because I was most comfortable surrounded by others. I wouldn’t go home until I knew my roommate was home and if she wasn’t, I’d have to stop by a friend’s or invite a friend over.
In this past year, I have worked really hard to be my best self and understand my anxiety. I’ve worked hard to learn how to control the panic disorder I quickly developed. If you asked me a year ago today where I saw myself in a year I would probably cry with discomfort. I envisioned nothing but doom and gloom for the rest of my life. Below I’ve outlined the 5 things that have helped me manage my anxiety and panic in the past year.
1. Therapy
I’ve been going to therapy every week for a year now and it’s been life changing. It’s 45 minutes for me and only me. It’s become one of my safe spaces and a big part of how I show myself self- care. Sometimes I cry the whole time and other times I have meaningful conversations that help me understand why I feel the way I feel. I’ve learned to identify my triggers and set healthy boundaries. I’m continuing to learn how to navigate uncomfortable situations and how to communicate how I feel. There have been days and weeks where I feel absolutely heavy. My shoulders will hurt, my body has tension and I can’t understand why. When I tell my therapist how I’m feeling physically, not only mentally it truly feels like I unload all of that weight of my body.
2. Mindfulness
Mindfulness meditation has also been a big part of this past year. As crazy as it may sound, I’ve found talking to myself, especially in moments of panic, has helped me calm down. I mentioned my anxiety manifested in my throat. I was convinced there was something stuck in my throat. I’ve had many more moments like that even some as recent as last week, but I pause and tell myself “I’m okay”. Something along the lines of – “Abigail, there is nothing in your throat. You can comfortably breathe right now. Stop and slow down. Let’s drink some water and see how we feel.” Being mindful of my breathing is also something I learned. If I feel any ounce of anxiety or panic, I try to take a break and do a breathing exercise my therapist taught me. It’s fairly simple, I put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly and notice my breath. I notice how my body moves and feels with every inhale and exhale. This has helped me immensely to calm down and sometimes it even puts me to sleep at night.
3. Diet + Exercise
Okay, I’ll be honest this is still very WIP (work in progress). The biggest change I made was giving up caffeine. I haven’t had coffee in A YEAR! I’ve been drinking lots of tea. I really enjoy blueberry chamomile and honey lavender. Tea has been so calming and soothing for me. I wasn’t a fan of the way caffeine in coffee made my heart race. In terms of diet, I had a few amazing months where I was working out daily, not drinking alcohol and eating clean. And let me tell you, I felt like the best possible me there was. I also find running to be very therapeutic for me. It’s time for me to just go out, listen to some tunes, and free my mind. Then, summer happened. And I started to eat lots of pizza and binge day drink in the sun. I think diet + exercise will be something I work on for a while, but my biggest takeaway has been that I know what works for my body and what make me feel good and I need to learn to stick to it.
4. Support Group
I am very privileged to have an amazing family and group of friends and co- workers that have supported me this past year when I needed it the most. It truly has showed me who cares and is by my side, which is a lot more than I thought. I know I couldn’t have come this far with my progress without all of them.
5. Medication
I do not take any medication to cope with my anxiety. My doctor prescribed me Xanax and said I only needed to take it in extreme situations. I vividly recall one night when I couldn’t calm down, I took it right before bed and I passed out. I woke up in the middle of night to use the restroom and felt like a zombie. I absolutely hated the way it made me feel, but I knew it calmed me down. Therefore, it almost became a crutch for me. I felt at ease and needed to carry it with me in my purse at all times, even though I wasn’t taking it. I didn’t want to take it, but I knew IF I needed it I had it. It felt like a security blanket. I’m proud of my progress because I no longer need to carry it with me. All I can say about medication is do whatever works best for you. I’ve learned everyone copes and deals with anxiety differently and even though all these things work for me, it’s not a one size fits all.
To celebrate my growth and progress I decided to treat myself on my day off yesterday to a lunch for me, myself and I. It’s so critical to give ourselves love and care. In the 4 years I’ve been in NYC, I’ve actually never sat at restaurant solo and dined-in, so what better time than now? Especially, that I feel comfortable and at ease with myself to do so. I treated myself to Serafina in Meatpacking and it was amazing. Here’s to feeling triumphant and the next year ahead.