For those of you that know me, I absolutely with my whole heart love New York City. I had always dreamed of being here one day solely based off of everything I had seen in movies. A few weeks after graduating college, I moved in with a complete stranger, and interned at a creative advertising agency that I had also always dreamed of working at. I love the hustle and bustle of the city and am blessed to have turned that internship into a full-time position that I still hold and love. In the almost 4 years I have lived in NYC, I had never felt the following feelings I’m about to dive into.
I was utterly terrified to be in the city. It was a battle within me that was tearing me apart. The city I loved so much and this unbearable sense of terror and doom when doing all my daily routines like riding the subway, going to work or being out in public was devastating. I was scared to be alone in my apartment without my roommate. In addition to these feelings, my anxiety was also manifesting as a sensation in my throat. It felt like something was stuck in my throat, sometimes it felt like hair, other times it felt like a lump which made it uncomfortable to eat. My anxiety was crippling and affecting me in ways I didn’t think we’re possible. Why me? Why is this happening? My brain was racing with these awful feelings and my somewhat normal thoughts trying to figure out why and how can I make it go away. It was absolutely overwhelming in every way possible. I was scared to tell anyone how I was feeling, but I knew I needed help.
I am absolutely blessed and forever grateful for my mentor at work that was critical in helping me discover what was happening. She guided me to resources that were offered by work, let me work in her office in moments of despair, was a shoulder to cry on. She even went with me to my first therapy session and patiently waited outside until it was done. I cannot say thank you enough for the kind and caring support when I felt scared and alone more than ever.
I will have a separate post about my experiences with therapy, but since that breaking point, I’ve been having therapy sessions every week. It’s a non-biased opinion, an open ear with no judgement and truly a place where I can let go of everything for 45 minutes. Immediately after my first session, I felt a weight had been lifted off of me. I do want to flag this is NOT where my journey ends. For months after my first session I still experienced panic attacks and anxiety, but little by little I was learning how to manage them. Some days easier than others, but I knew I had the resources to help me. I also knew that this was anxiety. I have anxiety and I was scared to admit that for a very long time.
The other thing I discovered was that I had not truly cried, and I mean full out water works in a very long time. Things around me were rapidly changing no matter how hard I tried to tell myself otherwise. I was navigating new relationships, parents getting divorced, balancing work and being 800 miles away from my family was really really hard. The thing is, in all those moments, I never allowed myself to miss home, to be mad at my mom or dad, to fall in love, to be scared and so many other feelings. I had this protective shield guarding my “Good Vibes Only” facade. But I’ve learned through all of this that there is nothing wrong with crying, feeling sad, mad, confused, anxious or scared. Feel it, embrace it and talk about it. This blog will be a compilation of posts dedicated to specific feelings, random thoughts, ways I deal with my anxiety and a journal to look back on one day about my journey through this all.